My life and things: February 2010

Tuesday, 09 February 2010

Why did you leave

small broken pieces

mistakes made

a colder winter

lifeless summers to come

without you

nothing will every

again be true

Being in love.

Don't know what I'm doing.

I'm naked before a crowd.

I don't understand.

I want to speak, but I'm listening.

Listening powerless.

It's taken everything,

broken down my barrier.

My feelings are out in the open.

Emotions on edge.

Tears so close.

All depends on

what if...

Our kind of love

We met that beautiful sunny day.

You were just crazy beautiful in the sun God gave us.

But..

You looked so unhappy.

From there on,

all I wanted to do is make this crazy beautiful person happy.

The kind of love we shared,

was the kind that didn't come around everyday.

I loved you so much.

This kind of love was the kind we hand to hold onto.

Our love was strong.

It would have kept us together forever.

That day my dad took you away from me,

was the day I lost something.

After four years of missing you,

all I had was the precious memories of our summer together.

After the four years you have been gone,

I saw you again for the first time on a ugly grey raining day.

Your hair was messed up in the rain God gave us.

But..

You looked so happy.

Now that I know....

..that you are happy with someone else.

I will move on and be happy too...

I feel like I am falling...

And the landing is not going to be nice and soft.

It's going to hurt like hell.

I'm still falling...

I know you want to catch me,

But you can't.

I'm still falling and falling..

Will the fall kill me?

Probably not.

I'm not really falling...

I actually never left the ground.

But I'm scared.

Falling in love is scary.

The reason why I made you go is because I don't want to hurt you. Or at least not more than I already have... Listen, I know I don't have a chance at being girlfriend of the year. But just hear me out.

I see you in my mind every single day, even though I try to not think about you. Try not to wonder if maybe you're thinking about me. But without any progress. You're there and my head doesn't want to let you go. Or maybe its my heart that's feeling that way. I don't know.

I just know I don't have any right to be writing this letter. I'm not trying to convince you to take me back or give me a fifth chance. I just need you to know. Need you to know that I love you but don't ever again want to hurt you like I did. I still feel what I felt the last day I saw you. Your blue eyes were so disappointed and then was when I knew. I knew I had to let you go. To let you be free from my lies. Lies I will regret for the rest of my life.

But good news, I'm clean.

Clean of lies, but most important, clean of the illegal meds that drove me away from you. It's been four months. Four months without needing horrible meds to live my life. I'm drug free. But...

I so badly want to give you my word that I'm going to keep it this way. I really am trying my best, but I can't promise you anything. And that's why I want you to stay away from me. Please, don't even think of me. Just know that I'll be okay no matter where I am.

I want you to be happy. I really wish I could see you through a window someday with a smile on your face. A smile of joy and happiness. I really loved that smile... It makes my heart break to think of you not smiling.

I've seen that picture too many times when you were with me. Because I know, when you are not smiling, it's because of tears forming in your eyes. So many of your tears were spilt. Spilt like they were the blood of love. Yes, I know. I know you loved more than anything. But how can I have asked you to stay when I weren’t even here myself.

Because it wasn't just pills... I had my dose of coke and ecstasy. I'm not proud of it. Not proud of my lies that helped me to take whatever I needed. But what makes it even worst is that I know now that you knew when I lied to you... Didn't you?

You knew everything I said was a lie. You knew I was a lie. But still you stayed. I don't know why you did that... Did you love me that much? Is love really unconditionally? I don't know. I don't want that kind of love because I don't deserve such love.

I know you hate me. Please do. But... Just do me one favour.

Just... Be happy. You deserve to be.

I love you.

P.S Please smile when near windows....

Since when do we love each other?

Just yesterday we hated each other.

What changed?

Why am I feeling this way...

I hate you,

I always have,

why did it change?

I had no problem hating you,

I liked hating you.

We were not friends,

we avoided any interaction.

I crossed the street when you came my way.

Your such a pain in the ass!

People talk about how much they hate you.

I was one of that people...

I really was..

But....

Not anymore...

Things changed.

I'm falling inlove with you.

Why? I don't know.

Lately I got to know you,

you are what I expected you to be..

Everything but nice, your a bully of the worts kind..

But lately I saw another side,

a side I don't know,

but a side that made you care.

I saw tears that came runing from your eyes.

It was beautiful,

not to see you hurt,

but to see you have a heart.

A big heart that loves.

I want to be loved by that heart...

But I doubt that you will let me in.

I know we hate each other and I wil never be your friend.

I will just be someone you met once apon a time, long ago..

Today I want to give a little piece of my heart to you,

to someone I truely hate.

Carry it with you.

Or don't..

Take it,

or break it.

Do whatever you want with it.

Just know that it's yours and I'll never take it back.

I don't care about you,

just take the piece and go.

Now we go back to hating each other.

Not speaking to each other.

Not looking in each others direction...

Just...

Try to not forget me.

Hurt to love

It's so beautiful.

But could hurt like hell.

Mistakes I've made,

maybe I'll make them again.

I could get hurt.

Or hurt him again...

True story... August 2009.

Forget about me, save yourself.

I was running through the woods. I was naked. I ran through thorns that ripped my skin open. Blood ran down my naked body... But I couldn't slow down, I needed to stop her. At this time I didn't know what that meant, but I still ran. She needed me, even though I didn't know who she was. I just kept running. The woods were dark, I was scared. I felt alone, but had no idea what might be with me in this forest. The way I was running was endless. I didn't even know if I was running the right way or why I was even going this way. It was like my bloody body knew where we were going. I just followed. After running like this for a while I saw a little bit of light coming from the end of the forest. My body carried me faster, I just wanted to get out of this woods. But even more important, I wanted to help her. Stop what she was going to do. I ran into the light and instantly all the blood my body was covered in, disappeared. I was me again. In front of me stood a little wooden house. It was beautiful. Why it stood in these crazy scary woods I didn't understand... Then my body started to run again. We ran towards the house, banged against the door and screamed... Screamed for her to stop. She didn't open the door though; she didn't want to let us in. My body ran to the closes window and banged against it as well. We tried to break it, but we couldn't. Not because we weren't strong enough, but because she didn't want to let us in. We ran to the next window. And the next. And the next. She didn't want our help. We stood on the outside of the house looking through the big glass window that felt so strong. Then... She appeared on the other side, on the inside of this beautiful house. The girl on the other side was naked like me. Had blond hair like mine. The same brown eyes. She smiled at me; she smiled my smile... and held her hand against the window. She held it out to me. I pressed my hand against the window, against hers. It was the same size. It gave me a fright. I pulled my hand away and looked one more time at the girl staring at me. The girl was... She was me. I didn't understand, I shouted at myself. Wanted to be let in. But her smile faded and she lifted a knife that came from no where. I screamed so hard, I felt my trought getting raw. But her smile was still faded and she was pressing the knife against her arm. Then I felt it, I felt the knife cutting through both my wrists, cutting off my veins and blood streaming over my arms. She cried then and I felt the tears on my cheeks... I was too late... Too late to save myself...

Then I woke from this terrible dream.

A need 'n cure for this broken pieces.

You broke it.

It's damaged.

It will never be the same again.

My heart is in pieces.

Why did you do this?

She wasn't even pretty.

Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy?

You should have told me about her.

But I had to find out from a stranger.

You did this to me and then told me it's my fault...

I worked hard on this relationship.

It was you that turned on me.

You gave everything up when I was about to give everything I had.

I loved you.

I still love you.

My heart is just a little broken right now...

My heart is in pieces.

I am in need of a cure.

Something to take away the pain.

Pain killers? I don't think so.

I will live through this.

I will be strong again.

I will show you what happyness is.

I will show you how love works.

But I will do it without you.

Stay away from me.

My heart is in pieces.

I will search for a cure to fix myself.

To fix my heart.

And I will love again.

Just not now, because my heart is in pieces.

Written February 2008

You know when you get that feeling that the good things are going to end? You know, like when you are on holiday and it's you last night before you go home again or when it's a Sunday afternoon and you know tomorrow it will be school again... or work. That feeling that makes you knows that tomorrow is going to suck... Well, I have that same feeling, but in a very different way. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to die soon... Yeah, I know that we are all going to die someday... But I have the feeling that it might be sooner that I think. I'm not scared of tomorrow or dying... I'm just scared I'll die before I had the chance to live. I'm seventeen and there are so many things I still want to do, so many feelings I still want to feel. I want to experience love and all the aspects of life. Therefore I don't want to be scared of tomorrow. But I still can't shake that feeling...