The reason why I made you go is because I don't want to hurt you. Or at least not more than I already have... Listen, I know I don't have a chance at being girlfriend of the year. But just hear me out.

I see you in my mind every single day, even though I try to not think about you. Try not to wonder if maybe you're thinking about me. But without any progress. You're there and my head doesn't want to let you go. Or maybe its my heart that's feeling that way. I don't know.

I just know I don't have any right to be writing this letter. I'm not trying to convince you to take me back or give me a fifth chance. I just need you to know. Need you to know that I love you but don't ever again want to hurt you like I did. I still feel what I felt the last day I saw you. Your blue eyes were so disappointed and then was when I knew. I knew I had to let you go. To let you be free from my lies. Lies I will regret for the rest of my life.

But good news, I'm clean.

Clean of lies, but most important, clean of the illegal meds that drove me away from you. It's been four months. Four months without needing horrible meds to live my life. I'm drug free. But...

I so badly want to give you my word that I'm going to keep it this way. I really am trying my best, but I can't promise you anything. And that's why I want you to stay away from me. Please, don't even think of me. Just know that I'll be okay no matter where I am.

I want you to be happy. I really wish I could see you through a window someday with a smile on your face. A smile of joy and happiness. I really loved that smile... It makes my heart break to think of you not smiling.

I've seen that picture too many times when you were with me. Because I know, when you are not smiling, it's because of tears forming in your eyes. So many of your tears were spilt. Spilt like they were the blood of love. Yes, I know. I know you loved more than anything. But how can I have asked you to stay when I weren’t even here myself.

Because it wasn't just pills... I had my dose of coke and ecstasy. I'm not proud of it. Not proud of my lies that helped me to take whatever I needed. But what makes it even worst is that I know now that you knew when I lied to you... Didn't you?

You knew everything I said was a lie. You knew I was a lie. But still you stayed. I don't know why you did that... Did you love me that much? Is love really unconditionally? I don't know. I don't want that kind of love because I don't deserve such love.

I know you hate me. Please do. But... Just do me one favour.

Just... Be happy. You deserve to be.

I love you.

P.S Please smile when near windows....